So here we are.
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10/24/17 -
Today I had a chat with Erica from The National Society of leadership and success. It was so relieving and uplifting, and honestly I just love the organization. Tomorrow I'll be pitching an idea and I've been at the university/company for less than a year and I have two ideas that I am going over. I want to see the company actually care about itself and I want to see the international students taken care of. Just the conversation with her left me feeling incredible and motivated (that’s the organization I joined). What she said really resonated and means just as much now as it ever did - you put the words into action. Leadership can be you trying to better your organization, and I’m taking the NSLS approach after graduating. I'm trying to implement these ideas into reality because I can and I love the ideas the organization stood for. . And I'm totally willing to move to New Jersey if a job opens up…..
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1/12/18 - I had a goal of paying off the balance of 2 cards by the end of February. I actually did it in 12 days. Now I just paid off a third card, so I’m three clear.
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2/20/18
Today I learned a wonderful term that I would like to share. But first, I shall paint a picture.
(insert metaphorical Paint picture)
Winky face.
That should cover it. Now, as I was saying…
Today at work, somehow women’s chests were brought up. It wasn’t entirely out of the blue, we were looking for an individual’s headphones and were thorough in our quest. I work with a wonderful group of ladies, so it’s not entirely out of the ordinary for us to be discussing our feminine bits. But as the search went on, my manager called them ‘m’ladies.’
M’ladies are boobs.
This is glorious. Long have I wanted a term that summed up my chest without being explicit. I’ve long admired Jessica Nigri’s personal names for hers, a name that points towards her nerdy side. And this expression was free for all.
In reality, I am not likely to frequently use it. But even the side thought of it is enough.
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2/23/18 - life goal accomplished - I got to yell “Printing Corgis” at work.
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2/24/18 - Sometimes, I only want to follow Julia Robert’s Twitter. She is flawless.
(There hasn’t been any public posts as of writing this).
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2/24/18 - It's kind of fun to remember that I had a calculator shirt that said “Got a Problem? I’ll solve it,” and you loved the pun, the idea, and everything.
But really, that’s what I enjoy doing, solving problems. :)
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2/26/18
I am developing my own badass-ery.
This has been years in the making. When I begin anything, I am really good at it. It’s a point of pride because I want things to be to my own personal standards. But this development is different.
I’m working on my confidence. I’m working on being able to have full faith in just going somewhere - anywhere - and being ok. I know I can, and I have in the past. So as I say I’m working on my own badass-ery, it’s going to be a process.
Every day I will be better. Every day I’ll be stronger. Every day, I’ll be my own badass.
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3/7/18 -
My brain is constantly on. These purges of information are only a symptom of this. However, I am okay with that. I remember in college I would write little notes up in the corner of my notes (note-ception) to purge my thoughts so I could better pay attention. This is that. this is me purging my mind so I can concentrate fully.
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3/7/18 - It takes a village to raise a child. It takes a campus to graduate a student.
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3/7/18 - My manager has definitely noticed that I adjust how I speak to different populations. I think lately my manager has watched me adjust to informational to polite but firm to student requirements (handed his ass).
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3/7/18 - Today, with my hand bandaged (cat attack), I'm realizing how much I use my left hand. The most significant time is when I'm readjusting on my chair, and it physically hurts to use my palm. But I'm aware of what I can do instead, like I can use my elbow to balance on the back of my chair. (what, you thought I'd make do, heck no). And that has caused me to be "hey, work that out more"
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3/14/18 (actually part of a bigger conversation)
#MeToo
We’re about to get real honest here. #MeToo shook the world last year, and it is continuing to have drastic effects across all industries. I adore this. In a situation that nearly beckons for individuals to remain mum, people are finally speaking out.
I am a sexual abuse victim. Not just once, of which I’m not going to get into, but after a while you start questioning “what did I do wrong?” The answer is absolutely nothing. I didn’t invite that behavior in any of those situations. And these situations happen a lot. I get called sweetheart. I get people blowing me kisses from their cars.
It’s uncomfortable, and I didn’t ask for any of it. And while some are miscommunications or cultural differences, it’s a topic to bring attention to. (Hey, why don’t we work to develop women in the workplace??? What a thought!)
However I am getting better at recognizing things and putting a stop to them. But I shouldn’t have to, they shouldn’t be situations in the first place! For me, I was always wanting control of my own actions, so I refrained from putting myself in risky situations. That didn’t stop the situations from happening! If I, an individual who actively avoids these, can’t 100% avoid these, what does that even mean for everyone else? These are the changes happening today.
Now, onto a connected point - I am taking control of my body. I want control of my body. It’s always felt foreign, not that I don’t belong, but that I don’t have control even of it. And women’s rights rant aside, I am working to change this. A big step to make that change is mental, which I have gladly made a path for. Now it’s on me.
PS - That’s why Parkour and ninja warriors will always fascinate me. Life goals (can she do it?).
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3/14/18 - today, on Pi Day, Stephen Hawking died. That's really sad for me, and it doesn't not have to be. No, it's a matter of perception for me, who is still alive, to decide if I am going to allow that to affect my mood or to internalize it, internalize what he has done, and move on. (similar to Diana). - also a moment to realize - everyone posts condolences when someone passes. That's ok. That's perfectly ok, and grieving takes different forms for everyone.
But how about a little more when they're here with us?
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3/14/18 -
You know, in the darkest times of my head there’s one thing that works to get me out of my funk.
Copious amounts of chocolate.
Not really (though running does actually do wonders to help this) - it’s me. I can inspire myself. I have been through a heck ton, and I’m still going strong. I remain positive.
A couple of weeks ago, I glanced back at a calendar from when I was still actively in school. I had zero free time. It was overwhelming to look at. But I did that, and I kicked butt at that.
And now, I do things differently. If you give me a jam-packed schedule, I will excel, but I also can handle the slow days too. I thrive on being busy, but I can make myself a self-created thriving environment to.
I did this. I had a heck ton of assistance to get to this point. And I’m still going to do more.
You go girl.
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3/14/18 -
I don’t give in to peer pressure. I’ve never been one to. I remember in 4th grade the cool kids tried to get me to relinquish my spot in the spelling bee so that the other girl would - I was the super nice one at this time, and in hindsight were they practicing their persuasion on me? Regardless, I said no. It was something I wanted to do (and my mom was super into it too, but that’s another story). I stood up for me (thought - see that girl? Look at you sticking up for your fourth grade-star wars obsessed self. Now stick up for your current self too - obsessions included… you know, from yourself).
Regardless, that has pretty much been consistent. I’ll even wait for the crosswalk sign instead of going with the flow of the crowd. I just do. I don’t care if I have to wait - I’m doing my thing. And sometimes other people wait too. :)
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3/14/18 - How things connect - today I was curious as to who played the younger Steve Rogers in the First Avenger. Turns out it is Leander Deeny. His only other notable movie role is in Atonement - a book I just finished recently.
Interesting circle.
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3/24/18 - Dear HTC phone - you will be missed
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5/3/18 - the idea that you can reach out to a company via Social Media is a bit still insane to me. I remember sending in an interview for a 5th grade research project (and I typed that interview on a typewriter) in to an author. It was weeks until I got a response, but I got one! They even sent a photograph of the author - J.K. Rowling. I was ecstatic to say the least.
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5/9/18 - I used to compare him to Steve Rogers. They had similar facial features. Watching Big Little Lies, I can see a bit of Skarsgård in him too, as the abuser.
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5/15/18 - On the bad days, I see a bit of him in everything. On the good days, I see a bit of me in everything.
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5/15/18 - My graduate program trained me well. Leaving the last semester really made me value my education just more.
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5/15/18 - A smartwatch reduced my anxiety.
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5/17/18 - Today was my first day on Clearinghouse. I kicked butt until I found I didn’t have full access. Then I continued kicking butt.
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5/17/18 - On teams and transitions (continued) - Even in high school, I had a healthy bit of understanding how temporary things were. My senior presentation was how “everything can change.” Everything can change. I lived it, and still have a weird balance between needing change, wanting to create change, resisting change, and just changing. Now is a time for it.
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5/17/18 -
Despite the population growing, despite education becoming more a assumption than before, we're still pulling from the same population.
Wacky thought - what if we (not a third party whose job it is) help our students by pointing them to the other door?
Why don't we ask what they're interested in, and talk about the schools in our community that would help them? If a computer science student is talking to your liberal arts school - 1 encourage him to do a little research in his field and 2 get him connected to that school.
Why can't we support one another?
I chose UCM because it was a home for me before I even went there. I didn't go on a school tour. It's where I wanted to go. There's a different interest for each student, and it is our job to find it.
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5/22/18 - I found a random use for a purse. I just opened a bottle with the rubber strap. I had been tearing up my hand trying to open it, so used the purse strap as a gripper. This is definitely one of the top 10 moments I’ve experienced in feminism.
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5/24/18 - On a personal side, I have a lot of goals for myself that I am wanting to accomplish. I like to dabble in a bit of things. And that is what makes my life interesting.
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5/24/18 - I'm making an effort to get out of my head more. The things I notice are not necessarily what others notice.
Today, a lady I work with had a large rip in her dress. It was about the size of a fist, and it was quite unfortunate that it had happened midday. She was aware of it, but the individuals who spoke to her about it were also ones to offer ideas for solutions. They weren't there judging her. They were helping.
This may be a hopeful look at human nature, but maybe that's how I should choose to perceive this. Rather than the embarrassment that is my anticipated result, maybe this is a happier alternative. Maybe the ridicule is only from me, and it's not the end of the world. This seems like an improvement to dealing with negative self-talk.
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5/25/18 - I was able to use my anxiety as a tool! There was a concert locally and I have quite a bit of a financial inhibitor. There were plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t go, but I still wanted to. And as I was trying to accept a “no” from myself, I turned that anxiety inwards. I shouldn’t go. There are lots of people. What if something terrible occurs. This can definitely be a slippery slope of a problem, but for this instance, I was wielding this weapon, not succumbing to it. This may not have been the most mature way to tell myself no, but it worked.
The takeaway from this is this notion of my anxiety as a tool. I wield it. Not in a “I don’t want to go out sense,” necessarily. Just a perception shift. I already know my anxiety makes me hyper aware of everything. This is just a different approach.
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5/29/18 - On perspective and priorities. I’ve been coming back to perspective a lot lately. I have always tried to think of the other side, and now it is what I strive for. If a negative situation is occurring, I find the positive. Even for myself, I try to think of things differently.
I send 100-150 emails a week for work. That is quite a wide set, but each week is differently. Through work, we have analytics that come in each week to see these numbers. Regularly, I respond to emails within 30 minutes of receiving them. This accounts for over 90% of my received emails. This is a great statistic. But for me, this isn’t a priority. I’d rather be able to do something worthwhile for a student versus being quick in my correspondence. And I do, but this isn’t being reported through a weekly update. This is for me to be aware of.
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6/1/18 - (prepare for really rambling sentences) I had a really great one on one with my boss-boss (two levels up, the director of my department). It actually started because I accidentally skyped her instead of a co-worker about my anxiety. That’s enough to create anxiety in itself. I recovered from that elegantly as I recognized it. As elegant as an awkward child I am.
But the meeting was good. We were able to discuss workload, and how lately it’s just been super busy, especially after losing one of our team members. And how this kind of concerns me as if I were to leave, that would put it on my coworker (but also that if it’s on me, Id be more accepting of it).
We talked about internal employment, and that she is still looking for answers and positions here, but I also shared with her my concerns with getting my degree and finding a new job. We talked about additional stresses (education, employment, roommate, and my upcoming counseling appointment), but came back to finding value in what I do. I told her that I feel guilty, but I am also rooting for those around me too. She noted that I bring value value to the team and it’s ok that I feel guilt for it, and that is normal. I shared that if there is only one position and if my coworker is selected, that that’s good. She also noted that I bring value too, and gave me the question of what do I bring. And I know what my coworker brings - accuracy and thorough work. It is a good question to bring back around - I do bring value and I did appreciate this question being asked of me. I am very valuable. I am adaptable - I work with others and am able to shift my own personal work to improve and fit needs. I am able to connect with fellow team members and students. I am diligent in my work. I am good at what I do. Situations with work do not reflect my worth; my value to the team is actually noted. And I value the team, even the extended team and I adore this dynamic that is in place.
I was also encouraged to think critically in some aspects, that I am ok to question the institutions and practices. This makes me happy. A student had recently made a large fuss about having issues with her account. I was the one who was communicative with her.
I work for a for-profit. I refuse to be their scapegoat of poor practices. I have different values from this place, and I can take those values to somewhere worthwhile. Time for change.
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6/18/18 - Exhausted and Happy - Thoughts from Girls State
I experienced a encouraging high when I was at Girls State (and the week returning from it). No drugs involved, just this general feeling of cheer. I could make it another year, just to have that week of the year for Girls State. But actually, no. I need that more. I returned a bit to the environment that I enjoy, and I will find a position that offers me that regularly.
The week had a lot involved, so here are the takeaways.
I adored my city, but there was one girl specifically that I am incredibly proud of her perseverance. She was very strong and smart and gung-ho. She put herself out there over and over and was unsuccessful. And when my co-counselor and I went to speak to her about a particular conflict, it was difficult for me. I adored the girl, and wanted to help her. But it was also an opportunity to coach my co-counselor through this situation as well (which I am incredibly thankful for my co, as we were really able to have quality interactions with these girls).
The week actually started rough for me, and I was questioning why I spent all my vacation days on it. Early in the week, I reached out to a different counselor in greeting, and in return I was asked how far along I was.
Ya. I had to check that I had heard her right too. Apparently that commonly accepted rule isn’t as common as I had thought.
She was an older lady, and in the trainings leading up to it, she was kind of offensive in her ramblings. And her question really set me emotionally back quite a bit. But I actually made a point to sit and speak to her (after I was capable of having that conversation that is). And I was able to witness her city’s delegates speaking to her about their own prejudices and how they are able to overcome them. And it was an incredible thing to watch her try to learn as much as she could do do better. This new generation has me very hopeful.
I can’t speak higher about Girls State. This program prepares young woman to be active members of society. And I definitely have some ideas on improvements and questions on the program in general, but I also see the positive change in these girls’ lives. I sang along to songs that I learned on the spot - and I don’t sing in public! I was able to resolve conflicts, encourage dialogue (making ice breakers on the fly), and witness so many women taking active roles in their society. Our city was full of wonderful individuals, including when one grabbed tampons for another or they all started complimenting an absent girl who had to leave early for an emergency. And as much as I appreciate those girls saying that I’ll find a man, that’s not what I’m in for.
I left being exhausted, but incredibly happy.
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6/18/18 - There’s something cathartic about driving at night and listening to Adele.
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6/20/18 - I realized a book I wrote in high school was from a time that I didn’t know what anxiety I had. Such an interesting perspective.
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6/22/18 - Steve Rogers introduced himself to Groot as Steve Rogers. So I shall call him that, difficult as it may be to break that habit. I just have a new name to call him, he’s done the hard bit.
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6/23/18 - What would you tell your younger self? Look at this. You got here. I’m not going to tell you how or what choices to make. That’s you. And you made it.
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6/23/18 - My company/University had a night out at the baseball game. I wandered around and didn’t feel extra uncomfortable. Accomplishment!
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6/24/18 - I exploered a new place. I knew my way back, but instead I decided to GPS it (for a shorter trip). And instead of going left at the intersection I usually take (Robert Frost anyone?), I went right. And it was beautiful. There were curving roads and trees lining each way. But it’s also a moment to realize that this is my little shining light of a place I already adore. It’s time for me to find somewhere that’s going to constantly surprise and amaze me again (and to continue to find that each day - though I could find it here each day, I want to be shown it). Yes, I find these little beautiful parts still, and I love the mountains, but it’s time for me to go explore.
There’s this notion of home, and lately I’ve been hearing it a lot lately because of my favorite hero with his home far behind him. All of that. But also, I just never connected to one location for long. Yes I have places where I grew up, and places that I spent really important years and have a tremendous network of people.
As a metaphor, I have this imagery of a trees - I adore trees. And I enjoy this nature setting, so thinking about this made me realize it’s more like an ent from Lord of the Rings. Yes, I have all of these roots, but instead of being placed elsewhere and into a new pot, I walk it. Just because you want to.
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So there it is. A lot of thoughts that just never made it to this page.
And now I’m moving forward.